(theme music playing)
(cheering, applause)
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "Last Week Tonight"!
I'm John Oliver. Just time for a quick recap of the week,
and we begin with US politics.
And for much of the week, everyone was waiting for this.
Announcer: Tonight, the first debate
with the top 10 candidates in the polls--
five governors,
three senators,
a neurosurgeon,
and a real estate developer.
Okay, okay.
That is either an overpacked stage
or the worst season ever of "Dancing with the Stars."
And I am very much including the season
when David Hasselhoff ejaculated a cha-cha-cha.
But let's not kid ourselves here.
This debate was only ever going to be about one person,
and from the very first question,
he was the focus of everyone's attention.
Bret Baier: Is there anyone on stage--
and can I see hands--
who is unwilling tonight to pledge your support
to the eventual nominee of the Republican party
and pledge to not run an independent campaign
against that person?
(audience booing) Baier: Mr. Trump.
Why is that audience acting surprised?
That couldn't have been more of a setup for Trump
if the prompt had been, "Raise your hand if your daddy
"left you millions of dollars instead of hugging you."
The entire debate
was basically a two-hour circus sideshow
with an old piece of luggage covered in Cheez Whiz as its center.
And the whole thing will be quickly forgotten.
In fact, the main headlines the next day
were nothing to do with the battle between the candidates on stage,
but between Donald Trump and moderator Megyn Kelly,
which culminated in this.
(Trump speaking)
-(audience groaning) -Whoa! Her "wherever"?
You can only imagine
how talented a lover Donald Trump must be.
"I'm just gonna put my thingamajig in your wherever,
"and I'm gonna waggle it, I'm gonna waggle it around."
Now, if you want to hear more
on the Trump-Kelly showdown,
you can basically watch any news network right now,
'cause it's all they're fucking talking about.
But we are going to move on, and I'll tell you why.
This whole debacle was meaningless.
The 2016 election will not depend on this,
because it's 457 days away.
There will be actual babies born on election day 2016,
whose parents haven't even met yet.
So, everyone pace yourselves,
and let's move on to India.
And honestly, the last time a British person said that,
we didn't leave for about 200 years.
Now, India had some dramatic technological news this week.
Woman: This man is outraged after the government in India
banned hundreds of adult websites.
It's my life. I mean, what I do inside my room,
the government can't influence it whatsoever.
The order came from the telecommunications department
over the weekend.
It's true. The Indian government banned 857 URLs,
most of them porn sites, including-- and these are real--
jizzhut.com, ass-butt.com,
and momhandjob.com.
And if you're a fan of one of those sites,
it was probably an emotionally turbulent day for you.
Although, if you're a fan of momhandjob.com,
I'm guessing every day is an emotionally turbulent day.
Now, according to the Indian government,
the aim was partly to...
But the decision set off a fiery public debate.
How am I-- in the confines of my home,
without hurting a third person or influencing a third person,
how am I causing disruption to public order?
Well, you might get corrupted and then become...
I might get corrupted?
...become a sex maniac.
A sex maniac?
That's weirdly prudish,
because India is not famously repressed about sex.
Remember, this is the nation that brought us the "Kama Sutra,"
a sort of mix between sex, yoga, and a skiing accident.
The ban was actually lifted just two days later,
but the Indian government should not feel bad about giving in,
because if their aim was to tamp down their citizens' libidos,
there is no better way than by allowing full access
to the web sites they banned, such as-- and again, these are real--
randyhags.com, oldwomanface.com,
all-free-nude- old-granny-mature-women- xxx-porn-pics.com,
and what can only be described as the penis-haunting,
maturewitch.com.
India... India...
If you want your population to look at less pornography,
don't just unblock these sites,
make them mandatory,
because believe me, after looking at them,
I never want to have sex again.
And finally, this week, we turn to Whole Foods--
gentrification in edible form.
Now, this week, Whole Foods found itself
in something of an all-natural, handpicked, locally grown pickle.
Woman: Those are stalks of asparagus
just soaking in a jar of water,
for sale at a Whole Foods store
in Los Angeles, you guys, for $6.
Okay, okay, first,
nobody should be buying premade asparagus water
when you make it yourself every time you eat asparagus.
And second, $6?
Water is free, and a pound of asparagus from Whole Foods costs $5!
Understandably, their customers were not happy about this,
but the store itself insisted it was just an honest mistake.
Woman: Whole Foods now says the drink was supposed
to be water infused with the essence of vegetables,
like asparagus, but was made incorrectly,
and it's been removed.
Yeah, that doesn't sound any less terrible.
"Oh, we won't just sell you asparagus stalks in a jar of water.
"We take the asparagus out first and then sell you the jar of water.
"That way, we can call the leftover wet asparagus 'artisanally moistened,'
"and sell it for three times the price.
It's the Whole Foods way."
Also... Also, as an apology--
As an apology, that rings somewhat hollow,
coming from a chain that is currently fighting the accusation
it routinely overcharges its New York City customers
and whose products are often as bizarre as they are expensive,
from egg white chips
to a jar of speciality honey that costs $79.99!
You know who I feel sorry for there?
Any bear caught rampaging through the store.
"What do you mean, I owe $480?
"I had six jars! What the fuck are you talking about?"
If Whole Foods really wants to make this up to their customers,
they're gonna need a much better apology than that.
They're gonna need something like this.
Man: Hi. We at Whole Foods Market
would like to apologize for our regrettable $6 asparagus water.
We take our food seriously, so we'd like to remind you
of the other high-quality, definitely non-ridiculous products
available at Whole Foods,
products like two baby carrots tied together with artisanal twine.
Nobody's ever done that to carrots before, so it's $35.99
Or try a refreshing probiotic avocado ice.
It's a block of ice with an avocado balanced on top of it.
$25.99.
Or how about trying a bucket of water
collected from the back of a cow that got rained on.
That's less than $60.
Or you know what? Fuck it.
It's more than $60.
And if you come in today, you can sample
some of our new in-season arrivals, like...
a single pomegranate that listened to NPR this morning,
an old satchel full of loose yogurt and yams,
or a bunch of granola that's been blown back and forth between two fans.
And because you'll buy anything that seems healthy
or meets some nebulous definition of "good,"
how about a tilapia wearing yoga pants?
Or a parsnip that donated to Kony 2012?
Or some gay grapes?
So, forget that stupid asparagus water,
and please, come down to Whole Foods.
Whole Foods...
(cheers, applause)
Moving on. Our main story tonight
concerns sex education,
the conversation that animals in zoos refuse to let you not have.
Now, with some kids going back to school next week,
it is guaranteed that, at some point over the next school year,
you'll hear stories like this.
Woman: Local parents are outraged tonight
over the pictures that their children saw
in sex ed class.
Woman 2: Some parents say that the material,
which includes descriptions of sex acts and infections,
is simply too graphic for middle-schoolers.
A father is upset after his 13-year-old
showed him a poster hanging on a classroom door,
a poster listing sex acts.
Parental anger over sex ed
is as much a staple of the school year as square pizza
and one kid coming back from summer vacation
with a mustache he's way too proud of.
That's a ghost mustache, Lewis.
It looks like a real mustache died on your face.
So-- So we tried this week
to find out what sex ed looks like in America right now,
but that turns out to be surprisingly difficult question to answer.
Now, in the past, depending on how old you are,
sex education may have been little more than watching films like this.
Every so often, I get a strong sex urge,
and the only way I can take care of it is to... masturbate.
George, I'm really pleased that you can tell me about this.
Perhaps it's because we've known each other for so long.
Boy's voice: My name is Johnny Stanton.
For me, it all started when I went bowling with Judy today.
I should've known something was different
as soon as she got a strike.
(pins clatter)
She's usually such a rotten bowler.
So, what's so different about you?
I got my first period today.
So, what's the big deal?
It means that blood is flowing out of my uterus.
Oh.
What? What? Okay. Okay.
Okay, first, that is some incredible misinformation.
Menstrual blood is not some sort of uterine HGH
that makes you amazing at bowling.
And second-- and this is true--
the young man in that video is Jonathan Banks,
Mike from "Breaking Bad."
And if that video does not provide
the basis for the prequel to "Better Call Saul,"
I'm going to be extremely disappointed.
Teaching sex ed in schools is really important
for obvious reasons.
No parent wants to talk to their kids about sex,
and no kid wants to talk about sex with their parents.
That is why, when you're watching a movie together and there's a sex scene,
everyone becomes motionless
and silently begs for the merciful release of death.
And kids have good questions
that need good answers.
The "Times" recently ran an article with a slideshow of questions
kids wrote on cards to a sex educator, including,
"Why is the boy's penis shaped like an arrow?"
"Is it okay to be gay?"
and "How long do I have to wait to have sex? I'm excited."
To which, the answers are,
"It's engorged with blood," "Yes,"
and "Can you at least wait until the end of class?"
But perhaps the most poignant question was,
"Will this go well for me?"
Because, after looking into sex ed programs this week,
the answer depends quite a bit on where you live.
There is no required standard for sex ed in this country.
In fact, only 22 states mandate that their kids receive it,
and only 13 require that the information presented
be medically accurate, which is crazy.
You wouldn't accept a history class
not being historically accurate.
"Prince started the American Revolution in 1984,
"and his 'Purple Reign' lasts until the present day. Class dismissed."
We essentially have a weird patchwork system
that varies wildly, and not just from state to state,
but from district to district, and even from school to school.
In fact, one Ohio newscast
tried to find out what kids in their area were learning
and hit a brick wall.
The state has no-- absolutely none--
sex ed guidelines,
so each district decides what's best for whatever kid.
Many school districts don't want to talk about it at all.
UC students polled every school district
in four southwest Ohio counties.
The majority wouldn't tell us what they teach and when they teach it,
even though all of this is supposed to be public information.
And that's really not good,
because two teenagers shouldn't have completely different levels of sex ed
just because they're in two different school districts.
"Tonight's football game is between Lakewood High and Middletown High.
"Not only are they bitter rivals,
"one of those teams has no idea what a diaphragm is!
"Let's play ball! Let's play ball!"
But while it is hard to find out what kids are learning,
in some cases, it is possible to find out what they are not learning.
For instance, in Mississippi,
while you can talk about contraceptives,
the law prohibits condom demonstrations in class.
That means no condom on a banana,
no condom on a cucumber,
no condom on a zucchini.
And that's terrible, partly because
it's fun putting condoms on produce.
But mainly because Mississippi ranked #2
in the country in teen pregnancy rates.
Now, thankfully, this situation has inspired
some creative alternatives.
Watch this former teacher describe how to use a condom
without directly using a condom.
I start with a sock,
and I'm gonna pinch out the air
out of the tip of the sock,
'cause I wanna make sure that there's room for my toes
when I'm engaging in shoe activity.
Then I take the sock and put it on top of my foot.
You wanna take your sock,
and you wanna roll it all the way down your foot.
You wanna roll it all the way down your foot,
and then you can put it inside your shoe.
That is very clever. That's very clever,
although-- although, that's--
It's not perfect. If you can't get a sock out of the packaging,
you don't then lose your foot for a minute
and need to think of Rihanna to get it back.
But-- It's back.
But Mississippi's restrictions are just the beginning here.
In eight states, there are laws considerably limiting
what teachers can say about homosexuality to their students,
meaning the answer to that kid's question, "Is it okay to be gay?"
could be a shrug or a lot worse.
And Utah's law prohibits any instruction
in the intricacies of intercourse
for reasons that one state legislator explained.
Those are the things we do not want
to be taught in our schools.
Those are things that should be taught in your home.
Wait. "Taught in your home"?
Here is an exchange that has never happened.
"How are you so good at sex?"
"I was home-schooled."
And-- And-- And in certain districts around the country,
the only sex ed you might receive is abstinence-only,
which you may think of as a relic of the past,
but it is still very much around.
Congress recently increased federal funding
for abstinence-only education
from about $50 to $75 million per year,
and at least part of that money gets matched by the states,
which means that students are still being exposed
to abstinence-centered programs,
but with names like WAIT,
which stands for "Why Am I Tempted?"
Go APE, or "Abstinence Protects Everyone,"
and "No Screwin' Around,"
which I presume stands for...
And... here is a taste
of a video from that last program.
If you have sex,
outside of one permanent monogamous--
and monogamy does not mean one at a time--
that means one partner who has only been with you.
You have sex outside of that context, and you will pay.
Boys, if there's a girl throwing herself at you,
if she's the one pressuring you for sex,
if this is a girl that's dressing in that manner
that's saying not only to you, but the rest of the world, "Take me now,"
I got a little word of advice for you:
Run from this girl. Run!
I did not say walk away slowly. I said run from her!
"In fact, don't even bother running, boys,
"just cut your dicks off.
"Girls are snake charmers,
"and it's time to murder your snakes.
"Murder them now. Do it! Do it!"
And look, abstinence is a healthy choice
that many teens will make, either by choice
or, as I can attest, by circumstance.
But-- But that's not the point.
That's not the point. It should not be
the only thing you teach,
and not just because many studies question its efficacy.
The fact is, according to the CDC,
most Americans have more than one sexual partner in their lifetime,
and the average age at which people begin having sex
is around 17.
So, just saying, "Don't do it,"
is not practical.
And even when they do teach sex ed,
schools can teach it with a strong bias.
We found a company which offers schools
two versions of the same video on contraception.
Version "B" is labeled as being nonjudgmental.
Take a look.
Look, no one ever said being a teenager is easy.
* You have to face a lot of important decisions.
But no decision is probably more important
than the one you'll make about becoming sexually active.
Some of you may already be sexually active.
But still, a lot of you are not having sex yet.
You could be waiting for marriage, the right person,
or maybe you're just not ready to take on
this very serious responsibility right now.
Cool.
(laughter)
Folks, those-- those 30-year-old actors
dressed like teenagers from the '90s make some very good points.
However-- However, version "A,"
which is non-nonjudgmental,
goes in a slightly different direction.
See if you can spot it.
Look, no one ever said being a teenager is easy.
* You have to face a lot of important decisions.
But no decision is probably more important
than the one you'll make about becoming sexually active.
As a teenager, you're expected to wait until you're married
before you become sexually active.
Until then, abstinence is the only option that's acceptable
to your family, your school, and your community.
Whoa. Hold on.
Why did they even keep the first part
about it being a decision at all?
They should've just said, "No decision is more nonexistent
"than the one you don't get to make about sex.
"Also, remember, God is watching you masturbate,
"and the fluids coming out of your genitals are actually His tears.
You're making Him sad."
But the very fact
two videos with the same title
but very different messages exist
shows just how hard it can be
to find out what's going on with sex ed where you live.
And this is not even accounting
for guest speakers that schools can bring in to augment their program.
Remember the woman from "No Screwin' Around"?
That's Pam Stenzel, and her web site claims
she speaks to half a million young people each year,
presumably like this.
Here's the line over which you can't step.
(emphatically) Absolutely no genital contact
of any kind.
That's hand to genital,
mouth to genital, genital to genital.
Oral sex, which is mouth to genital, is sex!
And if you have ever stepped over this line,
you've risked disease, and you need to get tested,
and don't you dare--
don't you dare tell anyone you're a virgin!
Why-- Why are you trying to yell
the horniness out of teenagers?
(laughter)
Programs like hers are so relentlessly anti-sex,
you could easily come away thinking the adult world
is just an endless barrage of unwanted dicks,
which, incidentally, was the original slogan for Tinder.
But the problem is...
(cheers, applause)
The problem is, Stenzel is not alone.
Shelly Donahue currently speaks at schools around the country.
She likes to show the dangers of more than one sexual partner
by describing women as a piece of tape,
and then sticking the tape to the arms of multiple boys
until this happens.
How many partners do we have
before we get married on average in America?
Six, yeah.
So, can you imagine what's going to start to happen to the tape?
It's going to lose its bonding power.
Her point is,
the tape is used so much, it becomes damaged,
which doesn't even consider the possibility that the tape
might be perfectly happy and have had a good time,
or that maybe some guys
like tape that already knows how to stick when they meet them.
But this idea
that sex is something which devalues those who've had it--
particularly women-- crops up again and again.
Non-virgins can be likened to a used toothbrush
or a chewed-up piece of gum.
And then, there is this video
in which a non-virgin on her wedding night is compared to a dirty shoe.
Michelle, what are these?
My sneakers.
Michelle, what is this? This--
It looks like the entire football team has been in these things.
I mean-- I made 'em all wear socks.
Socks? But, you know, socks don't protect my heart.
You can still get foot fungus with socks.
I wish I could go back in time
and make a commitment to be abstinent until marriage.
That is heartbreaking,
and not just because he's shaming his wife,
but because "Michelle, socks don't protect my heart"
might be the funniest line ever delivered on this show,
and we didn't write it.
And that kind of message can be hugely damaging
to anyone who hears it,
especially survivors of sexual assault,
like Elizabeth Smart,
who was kidnapped and assaulted at the age of 14,
and you may recognize one of the metaphors
she remembers one of her teachers using.
She said, "Imagine you're a stick of gum,
"and...
"when you engage in sex, that's like getting chewed.
"And then, if you do that lots of times, you're gonna become an old piece of gum,
"and who's going to want you after that?"
Well, that's... terrible, but...
nobody should ever say that.
But, for me, I thought, "Oh, my gosh,
"I'm that chewed-up piece of gum!"
Learning nothing would've been better than learning that.
It's not a great reflection on her teacher
that kids who were sick that day got a better education than she did.
And the sad thing is, sex ed, when done well, can do so much good.
But when it's done badly, it can do real harm.
Take consent.
A recent survey found college students were confused about certain aspects of it.
For instance, when asked whether another person
undressing, getting a condom, or nodding
established consent for more sexual activity,
at least 40% said yes
and at least 40% said no.
And that ambiguity is a problem,
because sex is like boxing.
If both people didn't fully agree to participate,
one of them is committing a crime.
And abstinence-heavy messages do not help this.
They spend so much time on the importance of saying no,
they can leave out what informed, enthusiastic consent looks like,
or, even worse, suggest that it's all one party's responsibility,
like in this video from a program called "Sex Smart"
about fending off unwanted advances.
Maybe we should have sex, you know, to prove our love for each other.
Do you really think we're ready?
Boy's voice: Yeah, I'm ready.
Girl's voice: Oops! That didn't work.
(rewinds) ...for each other.
No.
Boy's voice: Does that mean no or yes?
Girl's voice: One more try.
This time, say it like you mean it.
(rewinds) ...for each other.
No way.
Girl's voice: Finally! Hmm.
Maybe we should just get to the concert.
Wait, wait.
They were already late for a concert,
but he felt there was still time to have sex?
That is a teenage boy with a very accurate sense of his abilities.
But much-- much more to the point here--
much more to the point, it's good that that girl
was being taught that she has the power to say no.
But nowhere in the video do they point out that
that guy should have been a lot better at hearing it.
And it is weird to gloss over something so appalling.
It's like that moment in "Grease" when Kenickie sang,
"Tell me more, tell me more. Did she put up a fight?"
That's the point they should've stopped the whole song and gone,
"Wait. What? What the fuck did you just say?
"What is wrong with you, Kenickie?
"What is wrong-- You're a monster!
"And you look 40!"
And when kids graduate high school
without a full understanding of consent,
you are abetting an already troubling culture
where a bunch of frat guys can march around Yale
feeling completely comfortable yelling out this.
(men chanting)
Just a quick reminder there--
Yale's acceptance rate is 6.3%,
so who the fuck are they turning down?
I would hate to hear their chants.
And the problem is, that is not an isolated incident.
Last year, fraternities at both Texas Tech and LSU
were caught using the same slogan.
It's become something you hear on college campuses
as often as, "I'm thinking of switching majors,"
or "Why is James Franco here?"
And here is the thing.
There is no way
we'd allow any other academic program
to consistently fail to prepare students for life after school.
And human sexuality, unlike calculus,
is something you actually need to know about
for the rest of your life.
And maybe you and your family live somewhere that has good sex ed,
in which case, congratulations.
But if you don't, this video is for you.
(pop music playing)
Look, no one ever said being a teenager is easy.
You have to face a lot of important decisions.
But no decision is probably more important...
Than the one you'll make about becoming sexually active.
And if you do, there's a few things you should definitely know.
This is a penis.
This is a vagina.
This is a mouth.
This is a hand.
And this is a butt.
Megan Mullally: You can mix as many of these as you feel comfortable with.
Hand and mouth would be weird, but you could.
This is the clitoris.
And these are the testicles.
They make sperm. That's pretty much it.
If you want to be abstinent, that's fine.
If you don't want to be abstinent, that's also fine.
Abstinence is like being a vegetarian.
People should respect your choice.
Some people might make fun of you.
Those people are assholes.
The best safeguard against STDs is protection.
Unless you already have an STD,
in which case you're gonna need medicine or some shit, I don't know.
Fun fact!
Megan: The ancient Egyptians put crocodile dung mixed with honey
inside a vagina to prevent pregnancy.
They're all dead now.
Here's how you put a condom on a banana.
Well, this is a lot less curvy than I'm used to.
(audience laughs, applauds)
This is an IUD.
An IUD goes inside a woman's body and prevents pregnancy from taking place.
They can stay inside you for up to 10 years...
Which is a lot, considering most guys in high school
can only stay inside you for a minute or two, tops.
Am I right?
Here's a bunch of other forms of birth control.
Google them!
This is actually simple. If someone doesn't want to have sex with you,
don't have sex with them.
If you think you might be able to persuade someone to have sex,
even though they don't want to, don't.
So, if you're not sure if someone wants to have sex with you, ask.
Even if you're kind of sure, still ask.
If someone is pretty drunk, they might not be able to give consent.
And remember, you can always say no.
Even halfway through, you can say no.
If someone wants you to do a sex thing you're not comfortable with,
you have the right to refuse.
Say, "I don't care if it's your birthday, Rebecca!
"I don't want you to put your finger in my butt!
"Okay? It's time we do some talking about this."
Real quick, a couple of final things.
"Most people will get HPV" is both technically true...
And what you tend to hear right before someone gives you HPV.
If you call it a "hooha," you are not ready for sex.
Lube is your friend, believe me.
If you get a chance to have sex with this man,
go for it.
The best safeword is "hootenanny."
A woman who's had sex is not like a dirty shoe.
A woman who's had sex is a like a shoe with laces.
Completely fucking normal.
And finally, and this is important,
if anyone ever tells you that getting your period
makes you better at bowling,
they're a fucking idiot.
* (cheering, applause)
That's our show. Thank you so much for watching.
We'll see you next week! Good night!
The best safeword is "apples."
"Spinach quiche."
"Beef carpaccio."
"Supercalifragilistic- expiali-no-cious."